Why do you avoid Stillness ?
I tried yoga for a few years,
My saying would be “I don’t like yoga, its too slow, I get bored’
Instead I would prefer to kill myself with high intensity training because then at least I felt like I had worked. I felt like I then deserved to sit still, only I didn’t sit still. I distracted myself with crap TV, food, alcohol, and general busyness, looking for the next best shiny creative outlet so I could escape the busyness that was keeping me from myself, by only continuing to be busy, but just in a different way.
Don’t get me wrong I still do all of the above ! I’m human and humans like to default back to our source programming whenever we are given a chance.
However now that I have flexed my sitting in the shit muscle I have learnt to embrace the slow. I have learnt to no longer be afraid.
It's the fear that stops you stilling still.
The fear of what might come up.
We are conditioned into thinking that we must be robots specifically designed to work work work and numb the fuck out of ourselves. If we don’t keep moving then we have failed and must reboot with a new busyness program. No wonder we try to escape and distract with all the vices. No wonder we like to wipe ourselves out with drugs and alcohol because in our truest essence we are incredible light and nature beings designed to only, to ‘work’ to survive and recover to fully live. How we currently live is unnatural to our souls.
If you sit still and you let it flow, the tears, the fears, the anxiety it will eventually lessen. Whatever comes up for you is already there. Nothing that shows up is new to you, it may be new to your consciousness but it is not new to your subconscious, to your beautiful cells constantly battling with being in fight or flight. Depleting who you are and who you can become.
The darkness can be met with your open arms now that you are an adult and you have gotten this far. The darkness might be your lost and small younger self who felt abandoned or abused or simply not loved. The darkness is your map to fix the heart of that beautiful and precious younger you. Glue the pieces with the plasticity of acceptance, forgiveness but don’t forget to add a good sprinkle of joy. We are not meant to spend our whole lives punishing ourselves for reasons we may never understand. Our hurts may have been passed down to us like a coldsore from a well meaning but unconscious ancestor or a searing hot scar from a bad person.
But we have been given this consciousness so that we can live and feel and en-JOY BEING a human upon this earth. Give yourself permission to feel, but don’t get lost in the feelings so deeply you succumb to the voice that likes to tell you that you are worthless, that you don’t deserve to smile. That voice I am afraid to say never really goes away. However you can learn to simply let it speak to nobody as you no longer allow it to pollute your resting state.
Yoga is now my joy, my healer, my moments to get down into my body. To feel each movement, I mean really feel it, notice how good a stretch feels in the cells of a stiff and sore muscle.
I may not do it every day but when I do my mind thanks me and my body feels free. Your body is allowed to be free. We have to wrap it up in corporate bullshit or protect it from the daily stresses of trying to survive. We disconnect from our bodies at a young age. This is trauma and it is not what you deserve. YOU are now your own safe space. YOU are your own healer, hero, parent and friend.
When you find ways to slowly unleash the healthy wild child within even if it is only for 20 minutes a day. This time gets banked into your resilience account. So that when the voice of ‘you’re no good’ gets loud, you have the skills to get quiet. To put out that fire with the most nurturing of water. That voice thrives on fight or flight, you will thrive on rest and recovery.
I wake at 6 am, sometimes it’s true, I don’t jump out of bed, I’d rather stay under the covers in denial that I must be an adult today. Those days I take it easy on myself and don’t even get dressed. I stay braless and in my pyjamas and centre myself in child’s pose.
I have no plan in my poses, I listen to a Deep House Yoga playlist on Spotify and I flow. I listen to my intuition about which move to make next. I sometimes stumble while doing the stork, I sometimes forget what moves I made making it difficult to balance it out on the other side. It doesn’t matter. What matters is you spending time with yourself. Getting down into your body, letting your body take the lead and telling your busy mind to go sit down on the back seat of the longest bus in the world.
I usually flow for three songs. The sun is rising and I am preparing for the unnatural day ahead, going from one box to another. This can be your time to feel wild and free inside the universe of you.
I end with breathwork, you see all that flow and breath helps shut down the monkey mind, priming you to be able to sit with yourself. I ask myself “what do I need to know today’
Write down whatever answer you get, those words will guide you throughout the day. I get words like, ‘go slow’ see only love’ ‘trust’ ‘be patient’
You no longer need to be afraid of yourself.
You are safe.
That small boy or girl is safe, saved and cared for. They have been waiting for you this whole time. They knew that you were their only saviour.
Once you have held them. You can then hold others until they have made the long, arduous, painful journey back to themselves. You can break the cycle, end the passing down of unexplained pain, instead pass down the skills of boundaries, self care and joy.
Druimé XXXX
